Earlier this month, I spent two and a half weeks in Guatemala. Most of the time was dedicated to my 300-hour yoga teacher training, with a few days before and after to explore the country. The training was equal parts intellectual and emotional. It went deeper than I anticipated, in ways that were unexpected. I've been home for two weeks, still processing it all and trying to articulate what the experience meant to me. It was incredible, a reminder that I am on the right path, and also really, really challenging.
Part of the training involved receiving feedback on different styles of teaching yoga, meditation, and dharma. One note I received was about my tendency to say things like, "I NEED to do this" or "I SHOULD be that way." Reflecting on this feedback, I realized how hard I am on myself. This theme reappeared in other ways too during the training - both in my constant desire to be better and (truth bomb here) my struggle with disliking parts of myself. This includes how I feel about aging and my body image. There are days when I look in the mirror and feel a combination of shock and dissatisfaction.
I journaled, meditated, yelled in a sweat lodge, and shed tears over these feelings and patterns. The day after the training ended, I embarked on a two-day volcano hike up Acatenango (dormant) and to Fuego (active). Now, I don’t always love myself, but I do think I’m in pretty good shape. I assumed the hike wouldn’t be too tough and also decided to carry my own backpack. It was loaded with 5 liters of water, clothes, a sleeping sack, snacks, and more. It was part cheapness, part ego, and part ignorance of what I was in for - but I declined paying for a porter’s help, thinking I could handle it. HA!
I’ve run three marathons, taken five yoga classes a day at festivals, and done longer hikes than this. But holy shit, this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever physically done. I was humbled by how steep the trails were, how thin the air felt, and how heavy my backpack seemed. Within the first 30 minutes, I actually considered quitting. It was that challenging. Yet, I kept going. And the more I hiked, the more I stopped hating my body. The more I realized how strong it was. Instead of focusing on the extra weight or dimples in my legs, I thought about how powerful they were and how they kept me moving. I felt grateful - for the strength of my body and the privilege of hiking these volcanoes. For being able to walk through life and visit so many beautiful places.
This journey, both in training and on the hike, brought some profound realizations. It took someone pointing out how hard I am on myself to make me want to release that energy and negativity. And then the physicality of accomplishing something really, really challenging to remind me to love myself.
Guatemala really brought it out into the light for me, and as vulnerable as it is to write this, I don't think I'm alone. A lot of us are harsh self-critics AND want to embrace more self-love. During the hike, I was reminded that my body isn’t something to criticize or compare to others. It’s incredible and I want to feel more gratitude - for my body, my mind, and even my patterns. Into this new year, I want to treat myself with more love and compassion.
