Motivation behind our actions

The word why is a tricky one. Last year, coincidentally around this same time, I wrote about what is your why. I was looking at the big picture. Your purpose, your reason for showing up, the motivation behind saying yes or no. Asking yourself what is your why when setting long-term goals can be a really powerful exercise. Lately, though, I’ve been thinking more about the little why’s. The ones that influence our day-to-day actions and habits.

When I say why is a tricky word, I mean it can bring up a lot of feelings. When I did my executive coaching training, we were actually advised not to use the word why when meeting with clients. As adults, the question why can feel confrontational, accusatory, or like we’re doing something wrong. In other situations, why can feel naggy, pushy, or annoying. It can put us on the defensive and shut us down, forcing us into a fixed mindset and hesitation to change.

But I’ve been using the word - the question why - in a more expansive way. As a way to understand myself better and create some lasting change in my life.

So, how did this all start? With chocolate, actually. My love of it, and all sweets, really. I’ve realized lately that I’ve been overindulging in desserts and wanted to dig into why, so I could shift my patterns and behavior. I had a feeling my nightly (all the time?!) sweet tooth went deeper than just how good the treats tasted or even the real sugar addiction.

The first step to changing something is awareness that it’s happening. But for me, I can’t just be aware of something and expect to change. That would be too easy! I want to know the why behind it. Keeping with the practice of mindfulness (paying full, non-judgmental attention to the present moment, with openness and curiosity), I didn’t want my questioning to feel like I was beating myself up. I wanted it to come from an inquiring, accepting mind. Being aware of something, then understanding the deeper meanings behind it, allows us to address it and work on shifting our patterns.

I started a little journaling practice, on something lighter than my love of sweets. I gave myself some time to dive into the why’s of my morning routine with all of my senses. I took it as an opportunity to get to know myself better. It started like this:

Why am I sitting here writing in my journal?
Why am I listening to this type of music?
Why am I looking at this lit candle and these fresh flowers?
Why am I holding a rose quartz crystal in my non-writing hand?
Why am I drinking hot coffee?
Why am I doing this morning ritual?

I began asking myself all these questions, tied to my senses and feelings, to recognize my pattern and desire of wanting a lovely, calming, romantic scene to start my day. Why? Because it makes me happy, and I deserve little rituals that light up my senses and feel like a special moment just for Amy.

This inquiry and journaling practice can be done with anything we want to bring more awareness and understanding to. Notice the routine or pattern and ask yourself. What is happening (through your senses)? How does it feel (through your emotions)? Is it something that is expanding or contracting your life? What are the reasons you keep doing it (auto-pilot habit or pure joy)? Keep asking, and go deeper into the why’s. Always through the lens of mindfulness and non-judgment. The perspective of curiosity, compassion, and understanding.

Now, I’m not done with my sugar love, but I am much more aware of why I eat certain things, and when I reach for them. I’m moving beyond simple awareness into understanding. Looking at change holistically, I’m probably only at step 2 according to one model of awareness, understanding, acceptance, commitment, action, integration, reflection, long-lasting growth. But uncovering my deeper motivations in this way feels like a better way to both understand and love myself while taking steps toward lasting change.